I never quite understood what people meant when they referred to a time in their life as their "greatest blessing, and biggest trial"... How can that be? How can the greatest thing in your life to ever happen to you also be your biggest struggle as well? Isn't that a little contradictory? Well... that was exactly my thinking before I got pregnant with twins. I have never relied on our Savior and Heavenly Father more than I do now. We just hit 32 weeks and I am so proud of myself for getting to this point. We have another month AT LEAST to go, so each day is a triumph. Let's get down to it... read on if you want to peek inside my world ;)
1. Life changes quickly
I am a planner. I need a plan for every area in my life. I like to know what is happening, when it's happening, and why it's happening. I haven't always been this way, but when it comes to life, I like to have a plan, so I am not caught off guard. The day we found out we were having twins, that flew right out the window, somewhere far far away, where I will probably never see that concept of planning again.. so it's time to adapt. I went from working full time in a field I love, to staying home. It happened so quickly, but I know that BECAUSE I made that decision to stay home now, is the reason I am still carrying my babies, and that we have had ZERO complications since I have been able to be at home. I think Heavenly Father knew that, and was why he helped me to make that decision to stay home. I also think he blessed me with the chance to stay home so I can prepare a home for my babies, and prepare myself for how life at home will be... as much as you can prepare for twins ;)
2. Pregnancy changes you
I was prepared to lose the body I had temporarily, and knew I would probably get pretty huge, get an outie belly button, stretch marks, creepy veins, lose control of my bladder (yes, it WILL happen), and be tired beyond belief... but what I didn't really expect was how it changes you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Like I said above, I am a planner, but I am also impulsive. I have noticed that my thinking has drastically changed, and I now think more of the future, and less and less of myself. My thought process has changed, my moods have changed, and my priorities have changed. Life isn't about just Cade and I anymore.. it's about raising our kids as best as we can. I can't even imagine how motherhood will magnify this change even more.
3. Getting "huge" is okay. It's my job.
My body is no longer mine. I am a vessel for something much bigger than just me. My body is creating a miracle. Two of them actually. Not too long ago I found myself staring in the mirror at my bare belly not recognizing the person I was looking at. I would look at myself and realize how uncomfortable I am, how I grow more and more everyday, even find a few new tiny stretch marks that weren't there the previous week. About the time I would start to feel discouraged and even anxious at the changes taking place, I remember who is inside, and how much I love them; and that Heavenly Father gave this to ME. He trusts ME with two of his special kids. He knew I could do it when he sent them to me. Motherhood is about giving your all to those children you are given, and it starts the minute you get pregnant. I give my ALL to my babies, every single day.
4. It's okay to not be tough.
If there's one thing I find myself saying to Cade quite a bit, it's usually about how discouraged I am that I can't do the things I used to be able to do. I have had to take it easy the last few weeks because of contractions happening, and if we want to keep them inside for another month at least, then i've gotta stop nearly everything I used to be able to do, to grow these precious little babies. I've recently begun to struggle with just sitting. Sitting during church nearly pushed me over the limit that is okay for these contractions just in the two hours I was there. Needless to say I can't let that happen again, so you can usually find me hanging out in my bed. I admit, days are more often where I feel depressed and sad about having to lay around all day, but when I think about who's lives I am benefiting through this, I can do anything. I ride in motor carts at the store, when Cade takes me out for a little outing, which still makes me exhausted. I get to get outside for a few minutes to get some air and play with our dogs and kitties. Cade is the sweetest to help liven up my days thats for sure! I struggle with not being able to be active, to not be able to get out and do stuff, to even go to physical therapy when I needed it for my back and ribs.. but you know what? That's okay. My babies are my number one priority. It's okay that I physically can't do those things.. pretty soon I will be running around so crazy that I will BEG to be able to lay in bed and watch Netflix and Hulu.
5. Worrying is parenthood.
In the beginning we had a scare, and I had to go to the emergency room, and everything turned out fine. That was the first day of my life I got a glimpse of the worry, fear, and stress that a parent goes through. Ever since that day, I have prayed for our babies that they would be okay, and healthy and strong. Cade can tell you the worry and stress I feel just about weekly for these two... are they growing enough? are they moving enough? are their hearts strong? The list goes on and on and on. I have begun to see what our parents go through, and on a small scale, what our Heavenly Father goes through when he worries for us daily. My appreciation for my parents has grown tremendously the past 8 months, more than I can even describe. I have learned to trust God, and his plan because he is in charge, not me.
6. People say the stupidest things.
There is one thing for sure..... pregnancy does weird things to people. Other people that is. I have heard some of the most ridiculous things from complete strangers, and people I know.... and with twins, the weirdness only doubles. Im thankful that I was blessed with a sense of humor, because as I am starting to see, as a twin mom, you're really going to need that! I think my top favorite comment was the one that someone said, "Don't tell Jessica, but I would never have two babies."
Alright... since I had a choice in the matter. Thank you very much for that. I laughed pretty dang hard that day.
7. God made me to be a mom.
When we first found out we were having twins, I would joke with myself and say, "Maybe Heavenly Father mixed me up with someone else... what does he see in me to send me TWO babies at once?!" I know 100% that this is my calling in life, and the greatest job I could ever have been blessed with doing. I also know that I was blessed with Cade as a husband and the father of my kids for a reason. We always joke that he will never grow up, and that he will be one of the kids forever, and that is why he will be such a great father. Heavenly Father knew I needed him to help me in having twins..because without him, I know I would not be able to do this. He also blessed me to come into a large, close family, with lots of crazy kids... he knew the kind of family my babies needed, and that is why he brought me to Idaho... that I am sure of. I am not afraid because I know Heavenly Father believes in me, and knows I can do this, and has given me the environment, and the family to help make this possible.
So while these last few weeks feel hard, and like a trial that I pray for help to get through.... I have never been so happy, and thankful for anything in my entire life. I am beyond blessed, and I don't know what I ever did to deserve such happiness in my life.
